


The Color RED

by batsybatsybatsy4u



Series: Seeing RED [1]
Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Self Harm, So much angst, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Team Fortress 2 - Freeform, angst is off the fucking charts, talk of self harm, tf2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-10-20 14:00:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17623727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/batsybatsybatsy4u/pseuds/batsybatsybatsy4u
Summary: Samantha Paisley is hired to clean up after the RED team, but her past and home life cause issues.  When she wants to end it all, a very unexpected hero comes to talk her out of it.~~~~~This is part one. There will be several parts that go after this one ends.  Each part will pick up at the same point, but each one will have a different romantic interest.





	1. Chapter 1

It was three in the morning and, thankfully, my shift was almost over.  As the only person in cleanup at the office building, there was a lot for me to do.  The pay was nice though. 

 

Of course, this was not any ordinary building.  It was simply a front for the local mafia. I was usually the one sent to dispose of a, as they called it, “poor investment”, so it was safe to say that the pay was much more than I would get anywhere else.  

 

It was nearly time for me to punch out when I stepped out of the elevator and was met by a petite young woman carrying a Manila envelope.  

 

“Um, can I help you miss?  Not sure how you got in, the place is locked up for the night.” 

 

“Miss Paisley, my name is Miss Pauling and I am a representative for Mann Co. and we have been watching you closely.  Your skill in body disposal as well as removal in evidence has caught our eye and we would like to offer you a job. Should you accept, your salary will increase twenty fold and you will no longer worry about the police who plan on raiding the building tomorrow morning.”

 

Was this even a question?  Was this too good to be true?  But there was something about her that told me she was being all too serious. 

 

“Miss Pauling, you had me at ‘salary increase’.  Where do I sign?” 

^^^^^

It took three days to have everything worked out.  The contract was at least a hundred pages long, which was a little worrisome, but the salary increase was something that I couldn’t say no to.  God knows I needed it. 

 

When I was handed the nine folders, each with info on each member of the team, I realized why the contract was so long.  Reading through their folders thoroughly but quickly, I smiled. 

 

‘ _ Finally, maybe I can stop playing the dumb female roll for once _ .’

^^^^^

The train ride from Manhattan to the sandy expanses of nothingness that was Teufort, Arizona took what felt like forever.  Thankfully, Miss Pauling was with me reviewing details and information with me. 

 

When we finally arrived, I got up and stretched.  Outside was a black car waiting to take us to the fortress.  Arriving, Miss Pauling walked me to the front and entered, leading me to what looked like the rec room.  

 

Most of the team was already there, everyone smiling and welcoming Miss Pauling, giving me curious glances. 

 

“Hey!  Miss Pauling!  Come to see me?  Who you got there?”  A young, lanky man jumped up, I recognized him as Scout from his file. 

 

“I’ll explain soon enough.  Go get Sniper and Spy and I can begin.”

 

“You got it!”  Bounding off, Scout went to get the two men.  He returned pretty quickly with the two mercenaries in tow, both giving me once overs. 

 

“Everyone, I would like you to meet Miss Paisley.  She will be staying here and will be cleaning and cooking for you.”

 

I wave at the men, giving a small but friendly smile.  “Nice to meet you all. You don’t have to call me Miss Paisley, you can just call me Sam or Sammy.”

 

“It is good to meet you Miss Paisley!  Now drop and give me twenty!” Even if it weren’t for his helmet, I could tell he was Soldier just by his voice.  The others groaned and rolled their eyes. 

 

“You don’t have to, it’s his way of welcoming others.”  Scout grinned at me and I found it was easy to smile back. 

 

“Mhmhm hm hr hmm!”  Pyro’s words were muffled severely by the gas mask, but he gave a double thumbs up so you figured it was good. 

 

“Am Heavy.  Welcome to RED fortress.”  The Russian accent was impossible to miss from the large man who held out his hand for you.  You were surprised that he could control his strength and not crush your hand as you shook hands. 

 

“Oi, welcome sheila, I’m Sniper.  You ever need me I’m usually in me van.”  The Australian nodded his head, his eyes hidden under sunglasses. 

 

“Don’t touch me drinks and we’ll be fine lass!”  Demoman grinned, his one eye focused on you. 

 

“I am Medic, if you need anyzing, feel free to talk to me.”  

 

Last was Spy, who looked at you seemingly analyzing everything.  “Don’t get in our way and you may just live.” With that he walked out. 

 

Scout waved him off dismissively, scowling at the retreating figure.  “Ah don’t listen to him. He’s an ass.”

 

“Alright, now that introductions are out of the way, who here can show Miss Paisley around?”  Miss Pauling barely glanced up as nearly everyone raised their hand. 

 

Before anyone could speak up to volunteer themselves, Pyro skipped over and took my wrist, leading the way. 

 

As I was being pulled out of the room, I turned and smiled.  “Nice meeting you all! Thank you Miss Pauling!”

 

I could hear Scout asking how I was going to understand Pyro and I began to wonder the same thing myself as the mask wearing individual lead me further into the base. 

^^^^^

Thankfully, Pyro was able to use hand motions and body language to convey where everything was, leading me through the kitchen, Engineer’s workshop, the armory, the bathrooms and shower room, the infirmary, the laundry room, and the bedrooms.  

 

It was actually nice and fun, considering Pyro’s personality and happy demeanor.  They seemed friendly enough, so I hoped that maybe they could be a good friend here.  

 

“So Pyro, which room will I be taking?”  I looked at the doors that lined the hall, nine of them were labeled, each to their respective team member.  There were three doors that were unmarked, so I figured one of them would be mine. 

 

“Mh hn hus hnhhm hu hm!”  Pyro gestured to the remaining three, letting me know it was my choice between them. 

 

Pursing my lips, I looked into all of them, finding that only one had a lock on the door.  “I think I’ll take this one. And look! I’m right across the hall from yours!” I smiled as Pyro clapped excitedly.  I looked at Pyro’s door, it had a drawing of fire made in crayon on it, nothing else written on it. A few scorch marks were on the door, but it only made sense. 

 

Stepping in, I plopped my suitcase on the creaky bed, looking around at my new home.  Looking back out into the hall, Pyro was still standing, humming to a tune I recognized but couldn’t name.  Grabbing the key that was on the desk in the room, I stepped out and locked the room. Glancing at my watch, I saw it was already eleven in the morning.  

 

“Is it that time already?  Guess I need to start on lunch!  Thank you for showing me around, Pyro.”  Smiling, I began heading toward the kitchen, Pyro following me. 

 

“Mm hu muh he mm ha hu?” 

 

I looked to them, my eyebrows coming together in confusion.  “Sorry, but I didn’t quite catch that one.”

 

Pyro instead motioned toward themself then me before making a stirring motion. 

 

“Oh!  Do you want to help?”  Pyro nodded excitedly and I laughed.  “Well of course! Come on, I need to take stock of what we have.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is my first TF2 fanfic, I hope you guys like it!

Thankfully, we had enough ground beef to feed an army and then some, along with bread, onions, tomatoes, lettuce, cheese, and ketchup. 

 

“Hey Pyro, how do you feel about having burgers?”  I grinned and got to work when they nodded enthusiastically.  “Alrighty then, can I trust you not to let them burn to a crisp if you’re in charge of the grill?”  

 

“Hu hurs!”  I took that as a yes as I began balling the meat up and mixing it with some garlic powder and salt, making a good sized patty.  Pyro used a metal spatula to put the meat on the grill, clapping when flames came up to cook the meat. 

 

“How many should we make for everyone?  There’s a total of ten of us and I can only eat one burger before I’m full, but you guys need to eat more to keep up with all of the work you do. Does nineteen sound ok?”  When Pyro nodded, I smiled and got back to making the patties. 

 

It didn’t take long before the smell began wafting out of the kitchen, bringing Scout into the kitchen, practically drooling.  “Burgers? Sweet! Oh man I’m hungry. Can’t wait to take a bite of these. Hey Pyro make sure they don’t burn! Oh Miss Paisley!  Didn’t see ya there for a second, you’re so tiny. My ma’s really tiny too, not as small as you though. Oh man I bet ya look even tinier when next to Heavy!  So how long you staying? You gonna be here fer a while or are ya gonna leave after a while? I dunno how long you were assigned for on yer contract. Though based on how this whole war thing is supposed ta be a secret and all, I don’t think they’d let ya leave after a few months or a few years.”

 

I had to blink a couple times, having not expected Scout to talk so much.  “Well, I’m going to be here for as long as I’m able to physically. Oh, Pyro, I think those are ready to be flipped now.”  Pulling out the slices of cheese, I layed two slices on each burger, letting it melt onto the patty. Grabbing ten plates, I began setting up the bread which I had toasted and putting lettuce, tomato slices, and onion slices.  “And yes, I know I’m not the tallest person ever. I can’t help being five foot one, now can I?”

 

“Oh you’re only five one?  You’re so tiny! I can’t believe how short you are!  How do you even reach anything? Aw man I bet I could jump right over your head and have inches to spare!”  Scout leaned down to be eye level with me and looked around at everything. “Oh man I have no idea how you can be this freaking small!”

 

“First of all, I usually use chairs or step ladders, which reminds me, I’m going to have to ask for those.  Second, I’m not short. I’m vertically challenged.” I sent a smirk his way and he burst out laughing, gripping his stomach.  Even Pyro chuckled, which I couldn’t him for. It was pretty funny. “Oh Pyro, I think those are done. Thank you so much for your help.”  I smiled at them and turned back to the still chuckling Scout. “Can you get everyone for me? Lunch is pretty much ready.”

 

“You got it Miss Paisley!”  With that, he scampered off in search of the other seven team mates.  

 

Pyro let two burgers cook a little extra longer than the others which they deposited onto the bread.  Taking the last two, they put them on the final plate and made the burger to their preference, putting on the lettuce and tomato and putting only a little bit of ketchup on before grabbing a water bottle from the fridge.  Waving at me, Pyro went off to their room to eat in private. 

 

Setting the plates of food on the large kitchen table, the other mercenaries began filing in.  First was Heavy and Medic followed by Demoman, Soldier, Engineer, Scout, Sniper, and finally Spy. 

 

“I hope it’s good, let me know, ok?  Sure Pyro cooked them on the grill but I seasoned them.  Here’s some ketchup for you guys. Enjoy!” I took a quick bit of my burger, leaning against the kitchen counter. 

 

“Hey darl, this is pretty good.  Thank ya.” Engineer grinned as he took another bite of his food. 

 

“Yes, can see you made sure Pyro did not burn burgers as they usually do.”  Heavy sent you a friendly glance as he already began his second burger. 

 

The others agreed, even Spy seemed to begrudgingly enjoy his meal.  I smiled as I finished eating and began on the dishes. “When you guys are done just hand me your plates and I’ll wash them.  If you guys want more just let me know, Alright?”

 

“You got it Miss Paisley!”  

 

I could hear a smack and turned to see Scout rubbing the back of his head and glaring at Soldier who was sitting next to him. 

 

“Don’t you know it’s impolite to talk with your mouth full of food when in the presence of a lady maggot?  Now drop and give me fifty!” Soldier barked at Scout but I just laughed. 

 

“It’s alright, Soldier, I’m sure he meant nothing by it.”  Scout sent me an appreciative grin while Soldier huffed. I went back to washing the cutting board I used as well as the knife when a plate was dropped to my right on the counter as Pyro re appeared.  “Hey Pyro! How were the burgers?”

 

They nodded happily and grabbed a towel to help dry the cutting board I was rinsing off. 

 

“Oh, no, Pyro, it’s alright, I’ve got it.  Thank you though! You already helped me enough today.”  I smiled as they cocked their head to the side. “Really, it’s ok.  I don’t mind. I’m sure you have something you would much rather do.”  Taking the towel from them, I set it on the counter and shooed them off. 

 

Going back to the dishes, I heard a low whistle.  Turning back, I saw Sniper facing my direction, his eyebrows raised.  “Oi neva saw Pyro take such a likin’ to someone so fast. Considah yerself lucky, sheila.”

 

I gave a half grin, putting the cutting board on the drying rack.  “Oh I don’t know about that, I’m sure they’re just making sure I get acquainted with the place.”

 

“Whateva you say, sheila.  I’m just sayin’ that Pyro doesn’t tend ta voluntarily socialize like that.”

 

I smiled back at the Australian.  “I’ll be sure to remember that.” 

 

One by one, the plates were brought to me as I continued to wash the dishes.  When I was done, I took the towel and began drying everything and putting them away.  Halfway done drying a plate, I stopped. 

 

“Is there something I can get you?”  Turning, I looked over at Spy who was leaning against the doorframe. 

 

“What makes you so special, hmm?  Why choose you of all people? You hardly seem suited to handle anything that you will most likely experience here.  So what makes you so qualified to be able to be here?” The entire time he spoke, his eyes never left mine, almost as if he was trying to stare me down. 

 

I shrugged.  “I wouldn’t say that I’m special.  I’m just a person who needed a little cash and had a few experiences and skills that got me the job.”

 

“And what experiences and skills are these?”  He stepped forward, placing an unlit cigarette in his mouth. 

 

“I’m held by contract to not give too much personal information about myself.  I’ll have to review the contract to see if I can tell you. If I can, then great.  But for now, I can’t tell you my experiences. My skill, however, is the fact that I’ve disposed of thirty seven bodies in a matter of one year, none of which have been found.  I also am able to clean a Murder scene thoroughly enough that not even a speck of blood can be found on a carpet.”

 

Spy stood there, thinking as he aprased  me. Nodding as if satisfied, he left. 

^^^^^

It was late in the afternoon when I was nearly done with laundry.  All that was left were Spy’s suits to be dry cleaned and for the clothes to be folded.  I was beginning to fold Heavy’s shirts when Medic walked in. 

 

“Ah!  Zhere you are!  I vas looking for you.  I need to perform a simple check up, make sure you are in proper health as vell as hook you up to zhe respawn.”  The tall man smiled kindly at me, his hands held behind his back. 

 

“Alright, let me finish folding this shirt and I’ll be right with you.  Heavy’s shirts are ridiculously big, well, then again, so is he.” I chuckled and Medic’s smile grew. 

 

“A sense of humor, you vill do just fine here,  _ fräulein _ .”  When I was done, he motioned for me to follow.  “Right zhis vay.”

 

I followed the German, thinking back to his file, how he had lost his medical licence after removing a patient's entire skeleton.  “So Medic, what entails being hooked up to the respawn?”

 

“Oh it is quite simple.  I just need to extract some blood as vell as stem cells.”

 

“Um, aren’t stem cells found in the brain?”  I began to grow nervous at where this was going. 

 

“ _ Ja _ !  But don’t worry, I vill be doing a vertebral extraction.”  

 

For some reason, I didn’t find his placating words all that soothing.


	3. Chapter 3

Stepping into the infirmary, I groaned, my shoulders slumping.  Turning to face me, Medic shot me a quizzical look. 

 

“Medic, when was the last time this room was given a good scrub down?”  I looked in dismay at the blood splatter on the walls and pools of blood on the floor. 

 

A blush colored Medic’s cheeks as he looked about the room.  The only items not stained in blood were his tools. “It has been busy  _ und _ I have not had zhe time to properly clean.”

 

“Tomorrow is Sunday, so how about the two of us clean up in here?”  He nodded, smiling in embarrassment. “For now, let's get this done with.  Oh, and I won’t be fighting, so heart replacement won’t be necessary.”

 

It was almost adorable how his shoulders slumped and his bottom lip pushed out ever so slightly in a pout.  “ _ Ja _ , I suppose not.”  Grabbing a clipboard, Medic took my wrist and checked my pulse, eyes closed as he counted before writing on the paper on the clipboard.  Next he checked my lymph nodes before grabbing a stethoscope to check my lungs. At this he pauses, realizing something. “I vill be needing to put my hand up your shirt,  _ fräulein _ , I can’t have fabric in my vay.”

 

“Oh, right, of course.  Should I take it off altogether or…?”  I blush, but I know I don’t have anything to worry about.  I’m sure he will be able to keep everything professional. 

 

“Zhat is not necessary, I felt it vould be best to varn you.”  I nod and he lifts the cold stethoscope under my red shirt, placing it on my chest.  “Breathe in. Breathe out. In. Out.  _ Gut _ .  Now zhe back.”  Stepping behind me he repeats the procedure, the stethoscope on my back.  “In. Out. In. Out.  _ Danke _ .”  Putting away the stethoscope, he then grabbed a needle fresh from the package and took my right arm, injecting the needle into my vein to extract blood.  “Glad to see you are not afraid of needles.”

 

“What’s there to be afraid of?  Sure I would be more nervous if it were Scout or Pyro since they aren’t trained, but you are, so I’m not nervous.  I trust you to do this efficiently and professionally.” I smiled when he puffed up his chest in pride. 

 

“Even zhough I lost  _ mein _ medical license?”  He raised an eyebrow, looking up at me over his spectacles. 

 

I shrugged.  “If you couldn’t be trusted with these men’s lives, I don’t think you would be here right now, would you?”

 

An almost sadistic smile crossed his features.  Removing the needle, he pressed a cotton swab on the inside of my elbow to stem the bleeding, using medical tape to keep it on.  Reaching behind him, he grabbed what looked like a gun with a needle on the end. “You may not vant to move, zhere is a possibility of paralysis if you do.”

 

Swallowing, I do as he says, sitting stock still as he steps next to me, placing his left hand on one side of my neck before driving the needle into the other.  It took every fiber of my being to not jerk away, to keep completely still as the pain exploded in my neck. Thankfully, it didn’t take too long, as after a second or two he removed the needle, a satisfied smile on his lips. 

 

“ _ Danke _ , you vere most cooperative.”  Stepping away, he finished filling out the charts on his clipboard.  “You are free to go,  _ fräulein _ .”

 

“Thank you, I’ll see at dinner.  We’ll be having meatloaf.” With a wave, I left for the kitchen when I ran into Scout outside of the infirmary. 

 

“Hey Miss Paisley!  You about to get started on dinner?  What’re we havin’? Man those burgers earlier were real good.  Need a hand? I got some time on my hands and I wouldn’t mind helpin’ ya.  Maybe I can even reach the higher shelves for ya too.” He began walking with me to the kitchen, smiling the whole time. 

 

“We’re having meatloaf, hope you don’t mind.  I didn’t think to get started earlier to make something else.”  I smile up at him, glad that I’m already welcome on the base. Reaching the kitchen, we wash our hands and I pull out more ground beef, knowing I’ll need at least five pounds of the stuff.  “Can you help me chop the garlic and onions while I get started on the carrots and other seasonings?”

 

“You got it!  Ya know, I used to help my ma in the kitchen when I was younger, so this is kinda like home.  ‘Course we would be making lasagna, chicken cacciatore, chicken tetrazzini, zuppa de pesce, oh man my ma’s zuppa de pesce over linguini was to die for.  You gotta try it sometime, though I never cared for the scungilli, it was always a bit too tough for my taste.” Scout continued chattering as we worked over the food, mixing the ingredients into the ground beef as well as half a bottle of ketchup.  I listened, adding my own commentary into the mix as he continued talking about home. As the meatloaf baked in the oven, I cut several large heads of broccoli into smaller pieces, setting up a pot to boil so I could steam the vegetable. 

 

As we waited for dinner to finish cooking, I leaned against the counter as Scout recounted one of the many adventures he had with his seven brothers growing up in Boston.  Though he never said the city exactly, his accent gave him away too easily. 

 

Before we knew it, dinner was ready and Scout went to tell the others as I set the table up.  As everyone filed in, I began serving the meatloaf onto the plates as well as a serving of broccoli for everyone.  Much like with lunch, everyone was pleased with dinner, several asking for seconds, and in Heavy’s case, thirds. 

 

After I was done with the dishes, I went back to the laundry room to finish folding. It was nearly midnight when everything was folded and all of Spy’s suits were dry cleaned.  Going to my room, I realized that I still never unpacked. 

 

Unzipping my large suitcase, I began putting away my belongings, which consisted of mostly clothing.  At the bottom was a single picture of me and my sister, I touched the glass separating my fingers from the actual photo.  I was doing this for her. Her and no one else. Along with the photo was a single sketch pad and several pencils. I smiled wistfully, art had been my dream until I had to give it up in order to provide for my sister. 

 

Locking the door, I got ready for bed and fell into a fitful sleep. 


	4. Chapter 4

I was already in the kitchen making omelets when I heard Soldier yelling for everyone to wake up.  As I cooked I took sips of my coffee, needing it after only sleeping for four hours. 

 

I finished with making breakfast by the time everyone shuffled in.  Scout practically bounced in, full of inhuman energy at this godforsaken hour.  

 

“Oh man Miss Paisley that smells good!  Glad we finally have someone who knows how ta cook!  Can’t wait to see what you have planned for lunch and dinner!”  

 

I turned to Heavy, still groggy as he poured himself plenty of coffee.  “Is he always this energetic in the morning?”

 

“ _ Da _ .  Every morning.”  He chuckled at my exasperated groan.  “You are one to talk. You were awake before even Soldier.”

 

“I couldn’t sleep.  I usually have difficulty sleeping the first few nights in a new place.”  I took another long sip from my coffee as I began serving the omelets. “There’s plenty more eggs, so if you guys are still hungry let me know.”

 

Several ham and cheese omelets later, everyone except for Medic were doing their own thing throughout the base.  After I was done with the dishes, I turned to Medic and smiled. “Lead the way!”

 

In the med bay, I grabbed a bucket and filled it with hot water, adding a few cups of bleach before putting on rubber gloves and grabbing a bristle brush and rag.  As Medic started on the counters, I was on my hands and knees with the bristle brush, scrubbing the blood and other unmentionables from the tiles. 

 

We had been at it for hours by the time I felt we had made some serious progress.  Getting up, I stretched, cracking my back and neck in the process. Loudly, too. Medic looked at me in surprise, the pops from my neck and back sounded like firecrackers going off. 

 

“Did zhat feel good?”  The German sent me a knowing smirk, cracking his own neck. 

 

I chuckled, cracking my knuckles as I kept up eye contact.  “I dunno. You tell me.”

 

“Is zhis a challenge?”  There was a challenging glimmer in his grey-blue eyes as he cracked his own knuckles, louder. 

 

I stood and leaned on my left leg, using my hand to pull my right foot until my ankle gave out a satisfying pop.  “Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t.”

 

Medic twisted his back, releasing a series of cracks down his spine.  “ _ Und _ if it is?  Vhat do I get for vinning?”

 

I over extended my legs, trusting myself to keep from making my knees go in the wrong direction until both let out loud cracks.  “Well I think we both know who the real winner is going to be. I’m still deciding on my prize.”

 

Eyebrows furrowed as he looked at my knees in alarm, clearly not expecting that.  Shaking his head, he grabbed his hand and pulled, his wrist giving a soft, disappointing pop.  “ _ Sheisse _ , zhat vas not quite as I expected.”

 

I laughed, overextending my elbows and letting out a deafening crack, I knew I won.  “Ah don’t sweat it, Medic. I still haven’t decided on my prize yet.” Shooting him a crooked grin, I dumped the mix of blood, water, and bleach down the drain, refilling the bucket with clean water as I grabbed a mop to finish up the floors.  Once done, I poured the water down the drain and took off my gloves. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have lunch to make.”

^^^^^

The days passed easily as the week days rolled around.  As they fought, I vacuumed, mopped, cooked, and did laundry.  

 

Breakfast always had eggs, cooked one way or another, sometimes with bacon, sometimes with hash browns, sometimes with oatmeal topped with fruit.  They all insisted on packing their own sandwiches the night before for their lunch, which was fine by me. Dinner was always full of both protein and carbs, whether it be in a stew or in lasagna (that Scout would shamelessly compare to his mother’s) or by some other means. 

 

Medic seemed to approve of the balanced and hearty meals, and it only made sense from a health standpoint.  The others enjoyed how I sometimes berated Scout for not wanting to eat certain vegetables, which he understood was always good naturedly. 

 

When Friday came by, Scout mentioned that most of the guys went into town for dinner and drinks.  

 

“You can come too, oh man it’ll be so much fun.  Heavy always drinks more than everyone else, even more than Demo which is completely bonkers.  Medic never drinks, says he needs ta be the level headed one all the time, but I mean come on, it gets boring after a while.  Maybe you can convince him to let loose a bit and knock back a few. Oh man what I would give to see a drunk Medic!” 

 

I chuckled, serving out eggs with toast and breakfast sausage.  “Thanks for the invite, Scout, but I’m actually expecting a call tonight.  Besides, I know for sure Pyro isn’t going and I have a feeling neither is Spy, so I still need to make them dinner.  Also, maybe it’s a good thing Medic won’t get drunk with you. I’m not even sure respawn will pick you up from that far!”

 

“ _ Fräulein _ Paisley is correct, Scout.  Zhe respawn doesn’t pick up anyzhing after four miles, and after three and a half it is not guaranteed you vill be picked up.”  Medic looked pointedly at the now scowling Scout. 

 

“Medic, just Sam is alright.  I’ve told you that already. Same goes for all of you, just call me Sam or Sammy.”

 

“You got it Miss Paisley!”  Soldier saluted, earning laughter from half the table.  I smiled, shaking my head. At least things were never boring here. 

 

“So Miss Pais- uh, Sam, what call are you expecting tonight?”  How Scout managed that question through a mouth full of eggs and toast was beyond me. 

 

“Just an update.  Nothing you guys need to worry about.  Just focus on kicking some BLUs back to respawn, ok?”  I pretended not to notice Spy’s narrowed eyes at my easy dismissal.  He would be harder to hide things from. But they didn’t call him Spy for nothing. 

 

Turning to Heavy, Spy spoke quietly in French.  “ _ Je ne lui fais pas confiance.  Elle cache quelque chose _ .”

 

Raising my eyebrow, I spoke loud enough for everyone to hear.  “ _ Peut-être que vous ne devriez pas sous-estimer une fille qui aime apprendre les langues étrangères _ .”

 

Scout looked at me in surprise.  “You know French?”

 

I shrugged.  “I used to know a Frenchman years ago.”

^^^^^ 

As I finished the simple dinner for the three men staying behind - Spy, Sniper, and Pyro - Scout waved goodbye as he and the majority of the mercenaries went out for drinks.  I didn’t bother serving myself food, and at Sniper’s questioning glance, I simply explained I wasn’t hungry. Again I had to ignore Spy’s Narrowed eyes. 

^^^^^

After dishes were done, I practically ran to the communications room, closing the door behind me once I made sure no one was inside.  Not a moment later, Miss Pauling showed up on the large screen. 

 

“Miss Pauling!  Any news?” My eyes were glued to her face, needing answers. 

 

“She sleeps most of the time.  When she’s awake she asks about you.  As promised, the facility she was moved to was the best money can buy.”  

 

I slumped into the chair, partly relieved.  “Good. Have there been any improvements?”

 

“Not yet.  You will be the first to know if there is any change.”  A soft, sympathetic smile came to Miss Pauling's lips. “I know it’s difficult being far away, but remember you’re doing this for her.”

 

A heavy sigh left me.  “How can I forget?” I looked back up at the screen, wishing I didn’t have to wait for a weekly report.  “Any chance I can talk to her?”

 

Miss Pauling’s lips formed a hard line.  “I’m afraid not. There’s too much at stake right now.  Maybe in a few weeks we can allow a phone call, but for now I’m sorry.”

 

I figured as much, thanking her and hanging up.  I sat there for a while not realizing the way Spy allowed himself to be seen. 

 

“So this is what has been plaguing your mind today?”

 

I jumped up, instinct telling me to throw a wild punch, which Spy caught easily.  “What are you doing in here? Didn’t anyone ever tell you it’s rude to eavesdrop?”

 

“You seem to forget what I do for a living.”  Spy glanced at the dark screen. “Who was Miss Pauling updating you on?”

 

“No one of importance to you.”  I kept my tone even, my gaze steady.  “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have things to do.”  Storming out of the communications room, I grabbed something from my room before going outside. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation:   
> Je ne lui fais pas confiance. Elle cache quelque chose = I do not trust her. She's hiding something
> 
> Peut-être que vous ne devriez pas sous-estimer une fille qui aime apprendre les langues étrangères = Maybe you should not underestimate a girl who likes to learn foreign languages


	5. Chapter 5

“Aaaaaaah, that’s the stuff.”  I closed my eyes, letting the feeling soak through me. 

 

“Hmho!”  

 

I jumped as Pyro walked over from behind me.  I was seated by a large fire pit outside, feeling the cool evening air on my bare arms and face.  “Oh, Pyro, sorry, you startled me.” I covered my left arm, smiling uneasily. 

 

Their masked head tilted to the side, picking up the thin, long sleeved jacket I constantly wore.  I could feel their eyes on my arms and I took a steady breath, removing my hand from my arm. “Hm hmphmp?” 

 

Though I couldn’t make out the specific words, I knew what they said.  Everyone asked the same question: What happened?

 

I looked at the many scars that covered my forearm, all the same size and shape.  “I was stressed. It’s a bad habit I thought I broke. But I was wrong.” 

 

They took my arm, looking closely before reaching into their pocket and pulling out a lighter.  Keeping it unlit, they compared the shape of the scars to the small metal bit of the lighter where the flame came out. It was a perfect match.  Countless burn marks littered my arm, a new one already an angry red. Pyro looked at me, their shoulders slumping. 

 

“Don’t look at me like that.  I don’t need pity.” I looked away, bitterness in my voice.  “Pity is the last thing I need.” 

 

Pyro didn’t say anything, not that I would have understood, but instead sat beside me as the sky darkened and the stars came out.  We sat in silence, which was fine by me. 

 

It was hours before the sounds of five very drunk mercenaries and one annoyed Medic made their approach. Putting my jacket on, I quietly thanked Pyro and went to greet the six men, helping Medic drag them all to bed.  

 

Before I could wish the Medic goodnight, Pyro skipped to us and took my left arm, shoving it in Medic’s face.  Glaring at the masked individual, I ignored Medic’s curious gaze. “Snitch.” Impatient, Pyro pulled at my sleeve, showing the red burn on my arm to the German. 

 

“Vhat happened?”  Medic took my arm, concerned as he led me to the med bay. 

 

“If only I got a nickel every time I heard that question.”  Medic glared at me and the bitter tone left my voice. “Sorry.”

 

“Self harm I assume?”  Medic gave me a hard look, one I was used to at this point.  “Give it to me.”

 

“Give what?”

 

“Zhe item zhat you used for zhis.  Give it to me.” He held out his hand expectantly. 

 

Grabbing the lighter from my pocket, I put it in his palm.  “Before you ask, I let the metal get hot then shut off the flame.  I don’t set myself on fire.”

 

“You have been asked zhis before?”

 

“Take a wild guess.”  Medic went to glare at me again when he saw the defeat on my face.  “When you’re desperate, you do things you’re not particularly proud of.”

 

“Zhese vere acts of desperation?”

 

“Punishment.”  I finally met his gaze, daring him to ask what I did to earn punishment like this.  

 

“How many…”

 

“Eighty four.  This was eighty five.”

 

“Vhat did you do before you came here,  _ fräulein _ ?”  He was concerned, but I could feel the pity rolling off of him as he readied the medigun. 

 

“That, Medic, is for me to know.”  The medigun let out a red mist, healing my burn.  I saw that it left a scar, one of many. Good. I preferred it that way. 

^^^^^

The next morning Medic made sure to get to the kitchen before anyone else, insisting I give him any lighters I had on me.  When I insisted I didn’t have any, he patted me down, making sure for himself. Satisfied, he went to his seat. 

 

I didn’t blame him.  I just wished that he didn’t know. 

^^^^^

Much of the week passed similarly, every morning Medic checked me for lighters, and every night Pyro checked my arms for new marks. 

 

When Friday came, Medic insisted that he stay at the base despite Scout’s loud protests and my quiet ones. 

 

Again, after dinner I went to the communications room, double checking the room was empty, careful to make sure Spy wasn’t there.  Finally sitting in front of the screen, Miss Pauling’s visage came up. 

 

“How is she?”  I could see on her face that whatever she had to tell me wasn’t going to be good. 

 

“It spread.”  I slumped in the chair, defeated.  “She’s still going strong, though. She keeps asking about you.  Demanding to know where you are. Maybe you should send a letter, let her know you’re alright.”

 

I nodded.  “The boys are asking questions.  Really just Spy, but Medic is getting curious.”

 

Miss Pauling nodded.  “You could always tell them.  It isn’t a breach in contract.”

 

“I know, I’m just hoping no one else knows that.  It’s not something I want to confess to.”

 

“I understand that, but if you want them to start trusting you, maybe you should start trusting them.”  With that, the line dropped. 

 

Stepping out, I took a shaky breath and headed to find Pyro.  I needed a bonfire. 

^^^^^

The next Monday was a day  of intelligence stealing. Everyone was on high alert while I was sweeping in the hallway.  I suppose I was asking for it when I was shoved into the closest empty room by rough hands. 

 

“I believe we have not met,  _ mademoiselle _ .”  

 

I grit my teeth.  “BLU Spy.” I spun, facing my attacker when I froze, my heart stopping.  The BLU Spy froze as well, recognition in his eyes. 

^^^^^

Heavy was right on the BLU Spy’s heels when the man turned a corner and was gone.  What raised Heavy’s alarm was the fallen broom on the floor. Using the comm link, he called everyone over, fearful for my safety.

^^^^^

“No.  NO. NO!”  I glared angrily at the man before me. 

 

“Samantha?  Is that really you?”  The BLU Spy lowered his weapon, unaware of how the door behind him silently slid open, three pairs of eyes looking in, soon joined by a fourth.  

 

The two stared at each other, unaware of their growing audience. 

 

“I thought you were dead!  Everyone thought you were dead!  I  _ mourned  _ for you!”  I blinked back the tears that were forming. 

 

Out in the hall, the RED Spy remembered something I had said a week ago.  ‘ _ I knew a Frenchman years ago _ .’  He never imagined that the Frenchman I spoke of was his BLU counterpart. 

 

“Samantha, I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry-“

 

“No!”  I cut him off, not wanting to hear it.  “No! Don’t you dare! Everyone is sorry!  They were sorry when my dad died! They were sorry when my mom abandoned me and my sister!  They were sorry when the man I  _ loved _ disappeared without a trace!”  The past tense of love didn’t escape anyone, intended ears or not.  “They were sorry when Lisa got sick! They were sorry when I was forced to give up art!  They were sorry when I had to do the horrible things I did!” My tears were flowing now, but I refused to back down.  “So don’t you dare say you’re sorry! Seven years you were gone! Seven years I was on my own trying to figure out what I did wrong!”

 

The BLU Spy looked helplessly at me, his shoulders slumped and eyes pleading.  “I had to go. I couldn’t stay. I wanted to tell you but I couldn’t!”

 

“Save it.  It’s been seven years.  Just go.” I turned away from him, my hands covering my face. 

 

“ _ Mon amour _ …”  The BLU Spy went to reach for me, regret in his voice. 

 

“I said go!”  Hearing his footsteps falter and then retreat, I finally let out the painful sobs I had been holding in. 

^^^^^

Stepping out into the hall, the BLU Spy was faced with the surprised and bewildered faces of the entire RED team.  Letting out a sigh, he shouldered past them, passing the room that was clearly marked ‘INTELLIGENCE’, and went back to his base. 


	6. Chapter 6

It was mid day when I was sitting by the fire pit, my tears finally drying.  The two teams had an unofficial cease fire, neither crossing the battlefield. 

 

“So… that why you and Spy don’t get along?”  I groaned as Scout took a seat next to me. 

 

“Scout.”  I looked at him pleadingly.  Unfortunately, Scout wasn’t very good at picking up social cues. 

 

“I just thought it was because he’s an ass.  So who’s Lisa? What she sick with?”

 

“My sister.  Lung cancer.”

 

For once, Scout was silent.  We sat there for a while, him not knowing what to say and me not wanting to say anything. 

 

Pyro joined us, laying on the bench next to me, resting their head on my lap.  They took my hand and used it to pet the top of their mask, telling me what to do without words.  I smiled sadly, petting the top of their mask. 

 

One by one the rest of the team came to join us, no one saying a word as we all sat around the fire pit.  Even Spy joined us, leaning against the side of the base in quiet contemplation before I finally broke the silence.

 

“I loved him once.  But just like everyone else in my life, he left me.”  Everyone looked at me, waiting for more. “Not long after, my sister, Lisa, got sick.  I couldn’t afford the hospital bills, so I did some things I’m not particularly proud of.”  I looked at Spy, a wry smile on my lips. “But you knew that already, didn’t you?”

 

He nodded solemnly.  “ _ Oui _ .”

 

“What’d ya do, lass?”  Demo looked at me with his one eye, for once his hands empty of a bottle. 

 

I looked at Medic.  “Desperation makes you do things you’re not particularly proud of.  I went to the mafia.” I could feel Scout’s bewildered eyes on me. “Those were the longest three years of my life.  I was assigned as cleanup. Whenever they got rid of someone, they called me. Of course, I first had to prove I wouldn’t go to the cops.”  I took a deep breath, remembering the things I had to do. “For the first few months they had me do the killings. I’m unassuming. Who would ever think I of all people was there to kill them?  Twenty six people died by my hands.” Tears formed and I closed my eyes, only opening them when I felt a gloved hand wipe them away. Looking down, I smiled at Pyro as they wiped another tear away. 

 

“Twenty six ain’t that bad, Sammy.  We have a way higher body count than that.  Even if you exclude the BLUs.” Scout put a hand on my shoulder, but I frowned. 

 

“There were only supposed to be twenty four, though.  I… I didn’t know they were there. They weren’t supposed to be there.  I had to set fire to the house but I didn’t  _ know _ !”

 

“Who?  Who was not supposed to be there?”  Heavy looked at me sympathetically. 

 

I reached into my pocket where I kept the newspaper clipping.  I carried it with me everywhere as a reminder of the monster I was.  “Jeremy and Tommy. Eleven and thirteen years old. They were supposed to be in school but they were home with a fever.”  I didn’t need to look at their pictures to see their faces. Their smiles were ingrained into my skull. “Jeremy wanted to be a train conductor and Tommy wanted to be an astronaut.”  

 

Scout reached for the clipping, now slightly faded from constantly being carried around, and looked at the black and white pictures.  

 

Everyone was silent, absorbing my confession.  Pyro got up and hugged me, but not in the usual bone crushing hug.  I tried to hold back the tears. I really did. But the feeling of being held, being cared for, was something I hadn’t felt in seven years.  I caved, sobbing as I clutched at Pyro’s rubber suit. As my sobbing subsided, I just curled into Pyro’s arms, feeling them tuck my head under their chin as they hummed the same tune from my first day here.  I finally recognized it, and smiled as I hummed along. I felt their arms hold me tighter as they hummed louder. 

 

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I turned to see Scout smiling at me.  “Sammy, it’s ok. You didn’t mean to. You did what you had to.”

 

“ _ Ja _ , it vas an accident, no one doubts zhat.  You didn’t know zhat zhey vere not at school.  You can’t keep torturing yourself,  _ fräulein _ .”

 

I nodded, knowing he meant my arm. 

^^^^^

It was late and nearly everyone was either in bed or getting ready for the next day.  I was in the kitchen, looking at the clipping as I sat at the table. I looked up as Spy walked in, two glasses in one hand and a bottle of amber liquid in the other. 

 

“May I join you,  _ mademoiselle _ ?”  I nodded, gesturing at the empty chairs.  “I’m sorry I doubted you. I had not realized.”  He poured me a drink, offering up the glass. 

 

I took it, my attempt at a smile failed, ending up as more of a grimace.  “No one ever does.” I downed the expensive whiskey, squeezing my eyes shut as the smooth liquid burned going down. 

 

“I spoke with the men.  We all agreed that you should have Fridays and Saturdays off.  Miss Pauling allowed it, so you do not need to worry about a breach in contract.”

 

“Thank you.”  I looked up at him when he cleared his throat as he poured me another shot. 

 

“When Medic said you shouldn’t torture yourself, he didn’t mean just mentally, did he?”

 

“No.  He didn’t.”  I removed my jacket, exposing my left arm.  “I have one for each adult. Thirty for each child.  I began to add another for one of the kids, but Pyro interrupted before I could add for the other.”

 

Spy reached out a hand but stopped himself, giving me a look, as if asking for permission. When I nodded, he took off his glove and ran his fingers down my arm, feeling the raised bumps that were my punishment.  His fingers were warm and smooth, gently touching the sensitive flesh. 

 

“You gave up so much.”

 

“It’s not like I really had a choice, Spy.  I was on my own for seven years. Lisa depended on me.  She still does.” 

 

We sat in silence, glad that we finally had an understanding. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> REMINDER: This is not the end! I will be posting more starting next week! Some weeks will relate to the same part, some weeks won’t. Keep your eye out for the relationships to come!

The weeks went on as if nothing happened, but the changes were still there.  Everyone held a newfound respect toward me, which was nice, but something I was unaccustomed to.  As promised, Friday’s and Saturday’s I didn’t work, the mercenaries instead taking it upon themselves to do my usual chores.  

 

Whenever a BLU would infiltrate the base, they would give me curious looks before moving on.  I noted that the BLU Spy never came by again, which was a bit of a relief. 

 

During my weekly updates on Friday’s I began leaving the door to the communications room cracked open.  I always looked for Pyro afterward, needing a pick me up after the news which got more and more depressing as the weeks dragged on. 

^^^^^

I had been on the RED base for over four and a half months when my world shattered.  Scout and Medic were with me when the call came in. 

 

“Hey Miss Pauling, it’s kind of early for your call, isn’t it?  It’s only Tuesday. Is she alright?” I knew the answer. It was in the way her shoulders were slightly slumped, how her lips were pressed into a tight line, the way her eyebrows came together. 

 

“The cancer worsened.  There’s not much else the doctors can do but keep her comfortable.”   

 

I nodded, feeling Medic’s large gloved hand squeeze my shoulder.  “Do they know how long?”

 

“They believe she has three months left.  Sam, I’m sorry. A train will come pick you up next month.  When it happens, you will be given an extra two weeks to mourn before another train is sent to get you back.”  

 

“Thank you, Miss Pauling.”

 

“I’m sorry, Sam.”  I could hear the authenticity in her voice.  It wasn’t another one of those empty apologies I had heard my whole life.  Ending the call, I closed my eyes and cried as the two mercenaries beside me supported me. 

^^^^^

The entire team took it upon themselves to help me everyday.  Scout helped with collecting laundry. Sniper helped with making dinner.  Heavy dusted. Soldier dried the dishes. Engie helped me fold laundry. Demo made sure I was never alone during waking hours.  Medic scrubbed the med bay more frequently. Pyro kept me from crying. It was nice, and it showed that they genuinely cared. 

 

But when Miss Pauling arrived on the Thursday before I left, I felt as if I couldn’t breathe.  The entire team stood with me as Miss Pauling broke the news. 

 

“Sam, I’m so, so sorry.  But Lisa… I’m sorry. She was asleep when it happened.  Lisa is gone.”

 

Despite my best efforts, the tears were already streaming down.  “But… you said… they said… how?” Pyro was already hugging me from behind, gingerly, as if I were a piece of fragile glass. 

 

“I’m sorry.  It was so sudden.  No one anticipated this.  I’m sorry.”

 

I slumped to the ground, my legs unable to hold me up anymore.  Five months I was gone. I hadn’t seen her in over five months. She had been alone for over five months, not knowing where I was.  And now she was  _ gone _ .  

^^^^^ 

I was packed for my trip back within a few hours.  I hugged everyone goodbye, even Spy, who surprised everyone with a hug in return.   Before I knew it, I was on the train going to the funeral. 

 

It was a quiet event, only doctors and nurses showed up since I was the last of our family.  I bought the best grave I could afford, having it decorated with carvings of vines. I stayed for a few days, getting the legal issues out of the way.  I couldn’t stay much longer, it hurt too much to stay. 

^^^^^

I was greeted with open arms upon my return, no one questioning my quiet and solemn demeanor.  

 

Over the next week, I did my best to move on.  I tried, I really did. But it got harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning.  Everyone was trying to cheer me up, but that only made things more painful. 

 

By Saturday, I couldn’t take it anymore.  I made a decision. 

^^^^^

“Guys, I’m going to take a walk.  I think I need some fresh air.” I leaned against the door to the req room, the majority of the mercenaries inside. 

 

“Sammy ya want me ta come with?  I can keep ya company and you won’t get bored!”  Scout smiled up at me, eyes full of hope. 

 

“No that’s alright.  I want to be alone for a bit.”  I smiled, waving to everyone as I left. 

 

Quietly, I made my way to the armory, glad I didn’t run into anyone.  I pocketed a knife first before grabbing one of the countless guns. Heading west, I walked calmly, feeling the summer breeze on my face.  I just hoped that they found the note I left on my bed. I hoped they understood. 

^^^^^

Soldier, one of the few mercenaries who wasn’t in the req room, stepped into the armory, quickly seeing the missing weapons.  Going to the others, he asked if anyone had them. When no one answered, everyone got a sinking feeling in their chests. Engie ran to look through the camera feed. 

 

“NO!”  Engie stormed out, covered in a cold sweat.  “Sam! She took ‘em! Find her!”

 

Everyone, save for Spy, left the base.  He went to my room, finding the note immediately. 

 

‘ _ Everyone, _

_ I’m sorry.  But I can’t keep doing this.  Please forgive me, but I can’t keep this up.  I don’t have a family. I don’t have a home. I have nothing to keep me going.  Nothing to make me stay. Please, bury me beside Lisa. You can find me four miles west of the base.  I’m sorry. _

_ Samantha Paisley _ ’

 

The note, crumpled in Spy’s grip, sent a sick feeling into his stomach.  Spy bolted, needing to get to me before it was too late. 

^^^^^

I had just passed the sign saying that there was a half mile before the respawn would be unable to pick me up when I heard the far off calls of the mercenaries looking for me.  Gripping the knife, I kept walking, going a little faster. The four mile mark in sight, I took the knife and sliced my wrists. They weren’t going to stop me. Just as I passed the marker, I heard quickly approaching footsteps behind me. I could already feel myself grow cold as I turned. 

 

Spy was running, a crumpled piece of paper in his hand.  “Sam! Stop!”

 

“You’re too late, Spy.  I’ll be joining my sister.”  

 

He stopped just before the sign, four feet from me.  “Lisa wouldn’t want this.”

 

“LISA IS DEAD!  She died alone after I had promised I would never leave her the way mom and dad did!”  Tears came down my cheeks. “Now I have no one.”

 

“And to think I thought you were intelligent.”  Spy glared at me. “All this time and you still believe you are alone?  That you have no family? What of us? Do you really believe you don’t have a family here?  That no one needs you anymore? Do you even realize how much we need you? We fight in a war everyday!  We were forgetting that there is a world outside of this place! We were forgetting who we were. You gave us an escape from the nonstop fighting.  You gave us hope that this damnable war could end! That we could rejoin the world and live the lives we left behind! If you go, who do you think will save us?”

 

The tears poured down my face, darkness beginning to creep into my vision.  I stumbled, unable to stand. Spy caught me before I could fall, running back to the base as he held me.  “I’m sorry..”

 

I heard indistinct voices, but I couldn’t seem to focus on them.  They sounded familiar, but I didn’t know why. I felt so tired, everything felt so heavy.  Everything began to fade into nothingness. 

**Author's Note:**

> Go check out my tumblr for more tf2 nonsense! @sp-the-fanfic-queen


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